Over the past couple of years, we have had many Shabbat meals with other families. Some that we hosted, some where we were guests. During that time, we have observed many different types of interactions between parents and children. I would like to share some of these. (It is sometimes so frustrating to watch these things happening…sharing it afterwards helps a bit).
Scenario: We are guests at someone else’s house. Another family is there as well (they were visiting from out of town, distant relatives of the hosts). I had happened to sit near the father and son (around five or six years old) in shul and saw the son (“Yonatan”) davening very nicely (as best as he knew how) with his little-kid siddur. He even shared his siddur with another kidhis age who did not have one. Towards the end of davening he got bored and went outside to play.
The father and son get to the meal.
Mother: So how did Yonatan daven?
Father: He did not daven so well. He wasn’t concentrating the whole time and was talked to his friend a little bit.
Inside I am pretty mad at this guy:
- The kid was davening better then the father was
- The kid is only five years old
- The father was making things up about the kids behavior, embarassing him in front of other people
Later on in the meal, they were talking about it some more, and I actually said to the mother: “I saw Yonatan davening in shul, he was davening very nicely”.
Nebach! From the reactions of thos involved, Yonatan was used to receiving criticism and the mother was used to hearing negative reports.
Lessons:
- When speaking about your child in front of other people, do not criticize
- Don’t speak about your child’s behavior unless you were actually paying attention
- If you have to be critical of your child, do it in private, constructively. If a kid is misbehaving during davening (as this kid was not) it will never help to just say that they were bad. Instead you have to lead by example (something else that the father doesn’t know how to do, as I have seen on numerous ocassions) and show your child how to behave.
April 7th, 2006 at 0:09
Good for you for speaking nicely about Yonatan. One should never embarass another (at any age) in public, but it is especially hurtful to children who rely on parental encouragement and love. Also, don’t let Ima off so easily–if this is a pattern of critical comment, she should be smart enough to see it, and to stop it. Certainly she should quit asking her husband questions which she knows will elicit criticism of her child.
April 7th, 2006 at 3:18
Especially to ask the question in front of everyone! So did the dad freak when you told the mom the truth? Frustrating how people don’t praise their kids and “Catch them being good!”
April 7th, 2006 at 7:08
EmahS – the Dad did not freak. Just ignored it. But the better line came later on, when they were deciding if Yonatan had been a “good enough boy” to get desert. Other people on the table started voucing for him, that from everything we had seen, he had been a very good boy tonight and had eaten all of the food that was
givenshoveled into his mouth. Dad responded to this by saying: “Yonatan is a good by…” (pause to look down at the boy and frown) “…as long as he behaves”.April 8th, 2006 at 1:11
oh how sad. Hope they’re putting away money now for the therapy bills. :(
April 8th, 2006 at 21:51
Nice story and lesson learned (hopefully) for the parents. It’s good for parents to take a step back as you’ve pointed out and out themselves in the shoes of the child in order to frame comments constructively.